Story by Kim Shelly Tan
The saying “big things come in small packages”, I believe, best describes Tristan Buenaflor. People who do not know him may see a small, twenty-year-old guy with a quirky hair style and his occasional colorful, printed clothing, but the young man offers more than what meets the eye. Beyond being an excellent student and student activist, he is also vocal about being a queer Christian.
He met me at a café with a bright smile, apologizing for being late, although I believe it was not even over five minutes. We decided to catch up before we got to the serious stuff. As his friend who was an onlooker on social media, I thought I already knew a lot about him, but boy, I was wrong. Tristan was full of surprises and I was shocked to know the things he had gone through and how he remained strong.
Tristan knew he was queer all his life. He knew he was not heteronormative because, growing up, he appealed to men. Despite having known ever since, he only came out on August 2018. To him, coming out is both a process and a choice. He described to me how making the decision of coming out was like, “I decided to come out when the truth of who I am was really shouting that I couldn’t hear anything else,” he said.
He shared that it was the YouTube animated short film In A Heartbeat that encouraged him to come out. He shared that he felt that it was God’s sign that his sexuality was valid. The short film appealed to his emotions, which encouraged him to come out. According to Tristan, he was moved by how the short film depicted same-sex love as pure.
However, one thing stopped Tristan. Being a devout Christian, he said, was a major reason why it took him long to come out.
“Growing up Christian, was the greatest setback for me,” Tristan admitted. He expressed that he was aware of where his faith stood in the discourse regarding the LGBT+ community. “That prolonged me from making the decision to come out.”
It was not until Tristan had a revelation about the love of Christ that he finally decided to come out. “When He died at the cross, He died for everyone. He died for me as me, not for me as a gay, as a man, or as a child. He died for me, period,” he said, “When I realized that, I was able to unite my faith and who I am.”
He first came out to his youngest sibling, Winter, who was only six years old then. Tristan remembers coming out to him casually. “I told him, ‘Hey, do would you like to watch Beauty and the Beast with me? And by the way, I’m gay.’”
To Tristan’s surprise, the six-year old boy said, “Really, kuya? Astig.” (Awesome.)
“When he said, “astig”, that made an impact to me because that came from a child who was so pure. For him, it didn’t matter because I was still his kuya,” Tristan shared, beaming in pride of his brother’s acceptance of him being queer at such a young age. Indeed, in a society as closed-minded as the Philippines towards the LGBT+ community, six-year old Winter was wise beyond his years. Little Winter’s simple words gave his kuya the courage to finally come out.
Coming out to his mom was different. Tristan said he would give hints by asking his mother if she ever noticed something about him until he finally came out. He shared, “I remember my mom say, ‘I’ve always known. Parents who love their children know from the beginning. It’s either they wait for their child to come out or they wish they would never come out.’”
Tristan expressed that he feels blessed that his mother was among the former. “I asked her, ‘Why is it that you never asked me?’ She said it was because a mother knows when something is wrong.”
He recalled how his mother used to call him out as a child for the wrong things he did. “She always called me out whenever I did something wrong, but she never called me out for being queer because she never saw it as something wrong,” Tristan smiled.
“I have always loved him as he is. Perhaps all the while I've known he is gay and I was just waiting for him to find his own timing to come out. I am very happy because of his self-acceptance. I and his family support him always,” Tristan’s mother, Maria Teresa Sassak, told me in an e-mail correspondence. “My son held his ground and embraced that we are all equal in the eyes of God— straight or special.”
Tristan recalled the day he took on social media to come out to the public. He said he knew what he was getting himself into— he knew that there were friends, family, and people from his faith who were going to be taken aback by his revelation. However, he was unfazed by what people might say so he went ahead and came out on social media. Most of his Facebook friends expressed their support, which Tristan was thankful for. The church he belongs to, however, was traditional and was against homosexuality as per what is written in the Bible.
At church, Tristan admitted that he feels as if he was only tolerated. “They always reiterate to me that, although it is written in the Bible that homosexuality is a sin, they’re not one to condemn people like that. But I’m still sad because I know, sometimes, I’m just being tolerated and not accepted and that, secretly, they’re still praying that I become straight,” his voice quivering, as if heartbroken, as he spoke.
“For me, that’s sad, because partial acceptance is not acceptance,” he added. “When Christ accepted you, He did not just accept the good parts about you. He accepted all of you.”
On the other hand, Edward Gomez, Tristan’s church group leader, said, “There are times that Tristan returning to church service is doubtful because he felt as if the he was ruining the church’s ‘image’ but we always tell him otherwise, that the church's image doesn’t depend on a person and that he's always welcome and fully loved in church.”
This kind of opinions were more important to Tristan. He calls these accepting people “believers ahead of their time” and “unexpected believers”. Tristan imparted how these kinds of believers would understand his sexuality amidst some of the teachings of their faith. “Instead of saying ‘Tristan does a sin’, they’d tell me ‘You know, Tristan, this is an ongoing conversation between me and God, because this is what’s written, but this is what I see in you and my other Christian friends who are also part of the LGBT+ community.’”
Tristan believes that to be unexpected believers are what Christians are called to do as God is also one to do the unexpected. “The disciples Christ chose, those were unexpected people. When everyone was expecting Him to choose the Pharisees, holy people, perfect people, instead He chose the unexpected ones— prostitutes, tax collectors, cheats, minority people,” Tristan explained.
The greatest changes in the history of the church were also done by unexpected people. Tristan described to me that back then, black people were not allowed to serve in the church and were given a different Bible—a slave bible— one which excluded verses about freedom and emphasized obedience to authority. It was not until someone realized that all men were equal that things changed for the black Christians.
Tristan hopes that someone would also question the church’s stand against the LGBT+ community. “I hope I live to that time. If not, maybe my life is meant to be spent contributing until we reach acceptance.”
However, Tristan said that for him, the greatest Christians are his friends and family who believe in God and still love him completely. “When I ask them, ‘What if God sends you in hell or you’ll lose your salvation?’ My mom said, ‘If God sends me to hell because I love my gay son, what kind of a god is that?’”
What his mother said empowered Tristan. He said, “If God won’t allow me to serve the church because I’m gay, if I lose my salvation just because I’m gay, or if God sends me to hell because I’m gay, I’ll be the first person in hell to truly love God.”
Tristan also mused that there would have been no debate about the acceptance of LGBT+ individuals in the church if only the Bible also talked about Christ meeting a gay man, just as He met prostitutes, tax-collectors, and politicians. “What God said to me was “What’s written is enough. You love one another and you treat one another as your own,” Tristan expressed.
Although there are passages that express disapproval of homosexuality, Tristan said Christ did not really say that homosexuals will be punished. Those verses, according to him, were in the context of the time it was written a long time ago. “The world has changed and not meaning to say the meaning of love of the bible changed but acceptance, it should progress,” he believes.
His strong faith helped him overcome what people said about him. He also expressed that it made no sense to him that his salvation is only effective if he was straight. Tristan stated, “I go back to the moment I met Christ and I believe my salvation is permanent no matter who I am. God is love, that has paved the way for me to move forward.”
Because of a failed relationship with another man, Tristan admits that he once tried to believe that same-sex relationships were wrong. “I thought, ‘See, you did not stay together because it’s wrong,’” he said.
However, he soon realized that it was not his sexuality that was wrong. “The person was wrong, but the movement was not. The bad choice was not me being gay, but it was me going against the messages of God, that you should learn to wait, preserve your purity... That was my fault and I own up to that.”
He advises closeted LGBT+ Christians as well as those who are out to stay put. “You carry your cross and finish the race,” Tristan said. “Know that when the situation becomes hard, remember of the cross. Always go back to the cross. The cross is the foundation of the Bible, the church, Christianity. When you think about the cross, you remember that Christ did not die for a certain gender.”
He added, “Hold on to your faith. Know God, because when you know God, you know love and when you know love, you’d know there’s nothing wrong about you. It’s your choice to come out.”
Tristan acknowledged that he is privileged because his family, friends, and the environment he was in were accepting, which other LGBT+ Christians may not have. “Most LGBT+ people in church have to put up a façade every Sunday. It’s not a choice for them. Coming out one day is out of the question for them and that’s a tragedy that should not exist because you matter. When Christ died, Christ died for you.”
He expressed longing for the day a church accepts the LGBT+ community with open arms. However, for Tristan, the existing lack of acceptance from the church should not stop LGBT+ Christians from acting upon their faith. “Until then, you follow Christ. You be an unexpected Christian, you be a believer ahead of your time, and you love and be kind. Finish the race.”
This article is based on an earlier version that the writer submitted for the course Journalism 111.
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